College is ending. Lets put this into perspective. I love college. The people I’ve met there are some of the most inspiring and lovely people I’ve ever come across. There have definitely been the ups and downs and the times where I’ve wanted to just move on with my life. But then I fell in love, and I began to look at everything and everyone differently, and I managed to break the cynical outlook that I had. I’ve forged friendships in the most unlikely of places, although there has been the occasional personality clash.

I’ll also revisit the goals I made for the start of the year and see how they have progressed (or not).

1. Stop Swearing. I called Josh the c-word today during a lesson. This hasn’t been achieved at all. I don’t think I’m as prolific with my swearing though, but I guess this was always a long shot.

2. Get my Left Anti-Tragus Pierced. I realised this may affect my ability to wear in-ear headphones. I plan to get this over the summer though, but whether that actually materialises is another matter.

3. Sing A Song For Somebody. The Fridays with Baldy got replaced with Fridays with Josh. We did revisit the piano room yesterday though and I sang half a chorus. There we go.

4. Not Buy Any Black Clothes. I am pretty sure this has been achieved, with the exception of one pair of jeans and two pairs of tights. But that’s hardly black in the sense of closet goth or whatever the reasoning behind this one.

5. Have A Ridiculously Messy Night. Aha, I have a boyfriend who doesn’t drink spirits and has done less stuff that I have. So I doubt this will happen on his watch.

6. Have an Amazing Christmas. I’m in Hong Kong over the summer and not Christmas break, which is disappointing. No reason why this can’t still be achieved but it certainly wasn’t as planned.

7. Redesign This Website. I’m going to switch to Tumblr soon, but I’m not sure what I’m doing on the creative front, if anything at all.

I’m having quite a few reflective moments for now. I’ll be revising a lot to try and salvage some good grades, to make up for the fact I’ve revised pretty much nothing. I’m not complacent, but I know that January’s results put me in good stead for getting AAA. The hardest part of college ending is ultimately, the lack of time being spent with Josh. The unfortunate part about dating someone of similar, if not identical, nerdy disposition to myself is that we don’t socialise with each other during exam season. I have an exam on his birthday, hence no socialising then. Then he leaves for Spain before my exams are even over. Then he comes back, we have maybe a week before he goes to Thailand for 3 weeks (missing my birthday). Then we have maybe two weeks before I leave for Hong Kong for three weeks. Then I come back, and less than a week I go to Sheffield Uni.

It’s ridiculously depressing, but “Amor Vincit Omnia.” Unfortunately I now believe love is more than just a chemical reaction, it’s the best feeling every etc. etc. and nice guys who aren’t shallow bastards actually exist.

Life is beautiful.

Woo new year. WOOOOOOOOOOO. I woke up early this morning to break the RIDICULOUS 3am-12pm sleep pattern I’ve got going on. Spent the morning raiding the house for a working AA battery to put in my mouse (Logitech VX Revolution for the nerds…ooooh it’s a fiend). I tried at least TEN ones that were flat, going up and down stairs each time. New year, new problems. Hardy-hah.

So time to erase as much of last year from my mind. 2010 is going to be an amazing year for me, no question. January well be hell, slaving through exams and whatnot. I want As, damnit. It won’t happen. Decision is going to be my worst exam, I’m telling you. Prim, Kruskal, Dijsktra, Anonymous Chinese Postman…no. Just no.  Core 3 should go alright, as will Core 2 as long is there isn’t a question on circles. Politics should be the least of my worries, but I’m kinda going for an A*. Same with Economics. Oh and I’ve written half my English coursework in a day. Yeah. As long as it’s above a D I’m content.

Oh, look at me, rambling about my exams. Anyway as for future plans, I’m going to Washington DC in February which I would be excited about except (a) I’m not keen on flying for longer than about five hours; and (b) the whole failed terrorist attack means extra security which means I’m at odds to whether an SLR will get seized. Then to York and Sheffield Universities. LSE will also have to reply to my application this year; I’ll admit, it will be an inconvenience if I get rejected because I’d have to send begging letters to Sheffield asking for a very late course change.

And basically, in ten months time I’m either going to be starting at university OR on the best gap year of my life. Plan is, full-time work for about four months, Open University introductory social science course, summer in Hong Kong University, reading IR course texts, language classes (either French or Mandarin) and remember how to do graphics design. It’s irritating that with the next government coming this year (and the sad truth is, we all know who the PM will be) tuition fees will rise, which makes me reluctant to defer my university entry if I do get an offer. C’est la vie. I may just suck it up and be in the extra debt, I suppose a year to remember would be worth it.

So I don’t do this “resolution” thing. Well I’m lying, I do. I have some great ones from when I was a hyperactive 14-year-old feminist; “no more insensitive lying fuckwits who are so effeminate yet vulgar…” I forget the rest but OH MY GOD I WAS SO HILARIOUS. Yeah well, this is a “to-do” list almost.

1. Stop Swearing. Or at least cut back. I will regret this. I think I should stop using the c-word though, I have got into trouble for that. To me, it will always be “just a word” and the greatest insult to mutter under your breath. Alas, I have an icky personality I should shake off.

2. Get my Left Anti-Tragus Pierced. I regret not getting this sooner actually, because the longer I’ve waited the more scared I am. Just pinching my anti-tragus hurts like a bitch. But I will get it, I will SCREAM in pain and not be able to sleep on my left side for a year, but it’ll be worth it as it will look sweet  with my 14G (1.6mm yeah, I’m THAT hardcore) lobe piercing.

3. Sing A Song For Somebody. I’ve written about my Friday afternoons in the piano room, and how it has inspired me to sing again. But confidence is something which will take most of the year to gain. I will do it eventually though. Hopefully to someone who never has to see me again!

4. Not Buy Any Black Clothes. Because getting called a closet goth kinda sucks, even in jest. I did have the phase though, oh didn’t we all - copious black liquid eyeliner, Murderdolls & Emily strange t-shirt and battered black Converse (because my parents would disown me if I ever wore New Rocks). But a lot of my clothes are really plain as well, because I’m not confident to be crazy. We’ll see how this one turns out.

5. Have A Ridiculously Messy Night. Because I haven’t had one in a loooooong time And I don’t just mean half a bottle of vodka or whatever I mean getting MESSED. You know what I mean. I’ll just avoid the Class As.

6. Have an Amazing Christmas. The plan is to be in Hong Kong next Christmas which I’m SUPER excited about because I love HK and also because they don’t really celebrate Christmas, which means you avoid all the pallavah you get in this country with Boxing Day sales/endless bank holidays etc. I’m not a very festive person so that does me good. It would be my first Christmas abroad if it happens which would be lovely.

7. Redesign This Website. The domain expires in September and I have no plans to renew it. I’ll make something bigger and better. It’ll probably take a summer or so, because I’ve forgotten how to code/use Photoshop but I will try and invest as much time as I possibly can. I’m doing a bit of photomanipulation here and there so we’ll see what comes of this over the summer.

All right, well, I should retreat back into Coursework/Revision land. And I don’t plan to blog for a while, I became all prolific over Christmas holidays but that’s over now. I NEED to avoid failure in these exams, I know I can do it, I just need confidence and LOTS MORE READING. I’m also reading “An Open World: The Truth About Globalisation” by Phillipe LeGrain, which is a bit dated I must admit but I am truly fascinated by the globalisation debate and IR theory (I do plan to study it for at least three years) AND it’s helping me with my Economics/Politics revision (when words like ‘deregulation’ and ‘Ralph Nader’ come up I smile, what a nerd).

Uhhh.

CD Albums Purchased: Twelve, fourteen including downloads.
Expenditure: Uhh, at least a grand and a half.
Books Read: Five.
Friends Lost: Four.
Friends Made: More than four.
Mean AS Module Percentage: 79.54%
Alcohol Unit Consumption: 106 108 (pint of cider consumed mid-blog).
Cancer Sticks : Jan-Sept: Around 400. Sept-Dec: Around 4.
People Made-Out With: Nine.
Sober? Six.
Amount Donated To Charity: More than £50.
Headphone Sets Broken: Six.
Cities Visited: Bath, Birmingham, Bristol, Cambridge, Cardiff, Exeter, London, Milton Keynes, Oxford, Paris, Swindon.
Cinema Trips: Two.

Well the last few posts of this year are going to be me trying to summarise the year. I’ll try and make some more innovative lists over the final week or so, but alas this one is going to be about music.

I remember in 2007 I did my top ten albums, I remember the top three being Infected Mushroom - Vicious Delicious, The Con - Tegan & Sara and Switches’ self-titled debut (I spent ages deciding whether Tee and Ess or Switches deserved to be “the best.”) But this year for me hasn’t been about albums, it’s more about individual songs. I was going to list loads of my favourite songs but that would be stupid, endless and pointless.

At the end of the day, every song I love I associate with a different time in my life, so I’m trying to remember my year through six hundred pages of Last.FM scrobbles and text messages I don’t delete. Usually the songs listed are lyric-appropriate, but they’re definitely associated with that time of my life. I don’t use names so you’ll probably get confused if you actually try to read the whole story but hell, I know what happened and that’s kinda all that matters. Also I find writing about myself in past tense makes me more honest about it all. The stars mean they’re super-duper special; I tried using hearts but Wordpress is shite and didn’t format them.

I may regret revealing all this to the world, but I feel like I am an open book a lot of the time. You can judge me from being too honest, but if you’re reading anything I publish to the internet and expecting not to learn anything about me, well, that’s just backwards.

And Merry Christmas, I started this post a few days ago but it’s currently 1am on Christmas Day and it’s nearing completion. Rage Against The Machine are Christmas number 1, fuck yes. I bought it, and I am proud.

January
A boy I was in love with left my life; the only memory I have is getting off the phone when he told me he was leaving, my ex was waiting for me, and I just fell into his arms and cried; I saw him for the last time and he told me he was engaged for selfish reasons and come back for me in the summer; went on holiday to France with my friends drank a lot of alcohol.

My Life Would Suck Without You - Kelly Clarkson*
“‘Cause we belong together now/You got a piece of me/And honestly/My life would suck without you/Maybe I was stupid for telling you goodbye/Maybe I was wrong for tryin’ to pick a fight/I know that I’ve got issues, but you’re pretty messed up too/Either way, I found out I’m nothing without you/Being with you is so dysfunctional/I really shouldn’t miss you but I can’t let you go.”
Everybody’s Going To War - Nerina Pallot*
“I’ve got a friend he’s a pure-bred killing machine/he said he’s waited his whole damn life for this/I knew him well when he was seventeen/Now he’s a man he’ll be dead by Christmas.”
Hot N Cold - Katy Perry*
“We fight, we break up/We kiss, we make up /You don’t really wanna stay, no/You don’t really wanna go/I should know that you’re not gonna change…”
You Belong With Me - Taylor Swift
“You’re on the phone with your girlfriend, she’s upset/she’s going off about something that you said/cause she doesn’t get your humor like I do/Dreaming of the day I’m hoping you’ll find/What you’ve been looking for has been here the whole time”
Hit Me With Your Best Shot - Pat Benetar
“You’re a real tough cookie/With a long history/Of breaking little hearts like the one in me”
Separate Ways (Worlds Apart) - Journey
“If he ever hurts you /True love won’t desert you/You know I still love you/Though we touched and went our separate ways”
I Know Ur Girlfriend Hates Me - Annie
“Oh stop pretending she’s misunderstood/I heard her saying it’s either me or her/Smell the coffee, boy, and open your eyes”

February, March
He stood me up towards the end of January and he came back without telling me, so I spent a long time feeling very bitter; began liking someone who was way out my league.

Cry For You - September*
“You’ll never see me again/So now who’s gonna cry for you/You’ll never see me again/No matter what you do”
Little Miss Obsessive - Ashlee Simpson
“In the morning, I got in a fight with myself/I got the bruises to prove it/Then I swallowed your words, and spit them right back out/And I guess we’re really over, so come over, I’m not over it/Late night you make me feel like I’m desperate, I’m not desperate”
Headfirst Slide Into Cooperstown on a Bad Bet - Fall Out Boy
“Does your husband know the way that the sunshine gleams from your wedding band? /Well, I will never end up like him/Behind my back, I already am. “
So Close, So Far - Hoobastank
“I miss hearing your laughter/And all the little things/Forgotten what it’s like to hold you/’Cause where I am right now/So unforgiving/It’s numbing everything/We’re so close, yet so far/It’s tearing me apart/What I would do, to be there with you/So promise/No matter how long it takes me to get back to you/You’ll wait for me”
Don’t Let Me Stop You - Kelly Clarkson*
“So I won’t let one more day pass without you explaining what we are/Don’t let me stop you from doin’ what you wanna do/You don’t wanna stick, trust me it’s cool/Take no chance, get over you/If you wanna leave, baby you can leave/Just don’t pretend that you’re into me if it ain’t true”

April
He talked to me online out of the blue being all flirtacious and I insulted his manhood and told him to f-off; went out that night and got very drunk and phoned him being all pleasant (and I’m 99% sure he proposed to me, in a roundabout way) and we both still liked each other but couldn’t get hold of him after that night; regretted that for weeks.
You’re Not Sorry - Taylor Swift
“You don’t have to call anymore/I won’t pick up the phone/This is the last straw/There’s nothing left to beg for/And you can say that you’re sorry/But I don’t believe you baby, /Like I did before/You’re not sorry. ”
What Hurts The Most (Topmodels Remix) - Cascada
“What hurts the most/Was being so close/And having so much to say /And watching you walk away/And never knowing/What could have been/And not seeing that loving you/Is what I was trying to do”
Out of Control - Hoobastank
“I’ve done everything as you say/I’ve followed your rules without question/Cause I don’t know/If I can trust you/I don’t understand what you want from me”
Out from Under - Britney Spears*
“I don’t wanna dream about/All the things that never were/I don’t wanna feel the pain/What good would it do me now?”/Let me feel the space between us grow deeper and much darker everyday”

May
Sorta getting to know this guy who was sweet, attractive but not my type; decided to phone the guy about it and he told me he still wanted me and thus my hope in us was renewed; although in retrospect I will always slightly regret not taking a chance with the other guy, he was a stud after all.
Follow Me - Uncle Kracker*
“I’m not worried bout the ring you wear/Cuz as long as no one knows than nobody can care/You’re feelin guilty and I’m well aware/But you don’t look ashamed and baby I’m not scared”
Again Again - Lady GaGa*
“You’ve gotta a lotta lotta nerve/Coming here when I’m still with him/And I can’t have you, it isn’t fair/And if I had one wish, yeah you’d be it“
Save You - Kelly Clarkson
“We can pretend nothing’s changed/Pretend it’s all the same/And there will be no pain tonight”
Rainy Monday - Shiny Toy Guns*
“I don’t mind/You’re someone who ain’t mine/But someone that I’ll get…/And you don’t know how hard I’ve tried/To convince myself that I can easily forget/But you left this feeling here inside me/One that never fails to find me…”
Long Shot - Kelly Clarkson*
“My heart beat, beats me senselessly/Why’s everything got to be so intense with me?/It’s a long shot and I say why not/If I say forget it I know that I’ll regret it/If I don’t take it there’s no chance/Cuz you’re the best I’ve got”
Believe Again - Niels Brinck
“I’m gonna learn to trust again/And I, I wanna believe in love/I wanna believe in something bigger/Than the two of us”

June, July
Couldn’t get hold if him; threw myself at another guy who got what he wanted and then left; spent a good few weeks feeling used and horrible; got propositioned by a guy in an open relationship which I nearly went into; ended up causing a huge conflict and I erased them from my life, vowing to have a quiet summer.
Falling Down - Space Cowboy*
“This is my life/And people try to shoot me down/put my music on/and most people don’t make a sound/I’m in my own world…”
Number One - Tinchy Stryder
“See I don’t understand how you’re number one/When it was just a fling before now, you’re the one”
In For The Kill - La Roux*
“We can fight our desires/but when we start making fires/We get ever so hot/whether we like it or not/They say we can love who we trust/but what is love without lust?/I’m going in for the kill/I’m doing it for a thrill/Oh I’m hoping you’ll understand/And not let go of my hand”
Battlefield - Jordin Sparks
” I never meant to start a war/You know I never wanna hurt you/Don’t even know what we’re fighting for/Why does ___ always feel like a battlefield?/Girl you better go get your armour”
Psycho Bitch - Lesley Roy
“Is it fair to say you played me for a fool/Is it fair to say you used me that’s the truth/You’ve been lying all the time and now I’m mad/You drove me to the vodka shots I’m knocking back”
Taking Back My Love - Enrique & Ciara*
“I’ve given you too much but I’m takin’ back my ____”
Kick Myself - The Weekend
“I’m heading straight into disaster/We all know what he is after…”

August
Grew close to someone I was out of contact with; grew strong feelings for him and made some very impulsive/drunken mistakes which worked somehow; became a more vulnerable person; realised the guy I liked before was back for the summer without telling me, went apeshit at him on the phone and told him I wanted him out of my life; spent a week doing intensive driving which made me very miserable.
Sweet Dreams - Beyonce*
“My guilty pleasure I ain’t going no where /Baby long as you’re here /I’ll be floating on air cause you’re my /You can be a sweet dream or a beautiful nightmare/Either way I, don’t wanna wake up from you “
Fire Burning - Sean Kingston*
“She’s fire burning, fire burning on the dance floor..”
New In Town - Little Boots*
“So don’t rely on people you meet/Cause no-one is safe in these streets/I’m gonna take you out tonight/I’m gonna make you feel alright/I don’t have a lot of money but we’ll be fine/No, I don’t have a penny but I’ll show you a good time”
Feel It In My Bones (feat. Tegan and Sara) - Tiesto*
“Blow by blow, I didn’t see it coming/Blow by blow, sucker punch/What rushes into my heart and my skull/I feel you in my bones/and now skull feels pressure/You are here to stay/I take my heart out of my chest/I just don’t need it anymore/Take my head out of the game/I just don’t need it anymore”
Speak Up - Kristinia DeBarge
“Some days I feel it then I feel it’s over/Some days were hotter then some days were colder/When you open up, our ____ is alive/But now you’re quiet and I’m dying inside”
No Surprise - Daughtry
“It’s no surprise I won’t be here tomorrow/I can’t believe that I stayed till today/Yeah you and I will be a tough act to follow/But I know in time we’ll find this was no surprise”

September
Settled back into college; got a call from the guy who asked to meet up with him, decided to and realised it felt wrong and guilty about it, realising I really had strong feelings for someone else; then things with the latter fell apart and I was pretty shattered.

Please Don’t Leave Me - P!nk*
“I don’t know if I can yell any louder/How many time have I kicked you outta here?/Or said something insulting?/I can be so mean when I wanna be/I am capable of really anything/I can cut you into pieces/But my heart is broken”
Eh Eh (Nothing Else I Can Say) - Lady GaGa
“There’s nothing else I can say/I wish you never looked at me that way…”
We Are Beautiful, We Are Doomed - Los Campesinos!
“Absence makes the heart grow fonder/Fondness makes the absence longer/Length loses my interest, I’m a realist, I’m insatiable/Swapped counting days until I fly, with hours before your reply”
I Hate This Part - Pussycat Dolls
“The world slows down/But my heart beats fast right now/I know this is the part/Where the end starts…”
Umbrella - Rihanna
“When the sun shines, we’ll shine together/Told you I’ll be here forever/Said I’ll always be your friend/Took an oath, I’m a stick it out ’till the end”

October, November
Was failing all my subjects; hit a new low in terms of confidence and life; had serious confusion about my sexuality; confided in a friend who I later fell for, we nearly hooked up until he realised “he really cared about me”; I was a vulnerable and miserable crying wreck; fell out with a close friend after he told classmates and my teachers private things, and haven’t said anything to him since; two of the worst months of life.

The Sea is A Good Place To Think About The Future - Los Campesinos!*
“You talk about your politics and wonder if you could be one of them/But you could never kiss a Tory boy without wanting to cut off your tongue again”
Hell - Tegan and Sara
“I know you feel it, too/These words get overused/When we get up and over it and over them/Up and over it and over them”
On Directing - Tegan and Sara
“Go steady with me/I know it turns you off when I/I get talking like a teen”
Bottom of The Ocean - Miley Cyrus
“I draw a map,connect the dots/with all the memories that I got/what I’m missing/I’ll keep reliving…”
Chemistry of A Car Crash - Shiny To Guns*
“You’re waking up/a part of me I’ve never known/Just take away the words I say/cause I know
that you don’t feel the same/Just go and say what’s in your head/and I won’t try to stop you”

December
Realised I wasn’t failing college; made a lot of new friends; had my first lesbian encounter…or five; he called me again, apologised for how he treated me and I believed him; realised he had fed me a bunch of lies and now planning never to speak to him again; realised the guy I currently like is bordering on going out with “the wrong girl”; minus that a happy month.

Cry Me Out - Pixie Lott*
“What’s in the heart is not in your head anyway../Mate  you’re too late and your weren’t worth the wait now, were you?/It’s out of my hands/Since you blew your last chance when you played me/You’ll have to cry me out/ the tears that’ll fall/Mean nothing at all/It’s time to get over yourself/When I found out/How you messed me about/I was broken (heartbroken)/Back then I believed you/Now, I don’t need you no more/The pic on your phone/Proves you weren’t alone/She was with you…/”

Yay! If writing this has taught me one thing, it’s that one boy who I’ve seen/spoken to for approximately five out of eight thousand seven-hundred and sixty hours can have such an impact on my year.