My goals, personal thoughts, things I’d like to achieve. Just a general map of things that are on my mind:
- I am failing all my subjects at the moment. Fact. Aiming to stop. Spending a lot of time on maths, weirdly enjoyable. Except when crawled on my bed in tears because I cannot answer questions. Finding American Politics dull as sin and I’ve forgotten to write essays. No longer failing Economics (Mock Paper 1: U; Mock Paper 2: A), enjoying it slowly. Oh and I turn up for English, that’s all they can ask for.
- Reading “A Streetcar Named Desire” by Tennessee Williams in English. In love with it. About to start the final act and I’m not ruining it for myself. Scared by how alike I am to Blanche DuBois. Well not when she’s acting like a “moth” but the rest of the time. Read it, it’s absolutely stunning. Blanche has some amazing lines which summarise my character.
- I want an anti tragus piercing. Even though it hurts hurts hurts. I may end up impulsively just get it done on a bad day. Also considering a snug instead of an anti tragus, but I don’t quite like it as much.
- I have the coughies and the sneezies and it’s not funsies.
- I am ridiculously unhappy at the moment. I have no confidence, no long-term ambitions, no desire to socialise. I am becoming what I’ve always feared. Fading into the background. Spilling tears of stress. Clutching myself tightly in the hope of someone saving me. Nothing makes me happy anymore but somehow I can force a smile at any opportunity.
- I want to start writing poetry again but I haven’t written poetry in some five years. And I am so uninspired. But I would give a used to my still-shrinkwrapped soft cover Moleskine (Yes I’m one of those freaks who spend ridiculous amounts of money on Moleskines, GUI)
- I want to learn to speak like David Sewell. I still have the goal of going to finishing school. I did wager a deal with my dad that I’d apply to Cambridge University if he sent me to finishing school, which I forgot about until now. Dayum.
- I have no qualms about lying to someone over internet communication. Which is ironic, because this is also a form of IC. Now I’ve learnt “block user” is my new best friend.
- When I stop being ill I plan to start singing again, despite some 300+ cancer sticks rendering my throat useless forever. There’s some vibrato left in my voice.
- “We are beautiful, we are doomed.”
16/10/09 
