I feel a bit ill right now. But N’Sync is keeping me alive. I know, Glee and N’Sync, my good music taste went out the window. Oh and I just threw my phone at the wall, priceless, I think I should actually officially get rid of my mobile phone and be one of those uncontactable people who turns up in the dead of night submerged in glitter with a bottle of gin at my feet. I think I’m gonna do that when we go back to college, see if anyone notices.

I’m a bit fragile at the moment. Holidays are almost over and I’ve done pretty much no revision, not entirely my fault I guess, there’s been some anxiety spinning round but either way I’m sure I’m doomed to fail. I’m gonna have to start working when I get back to college, which in a way is sad because I know what will suffer but I think that’s the way the cookie crumbles or whatever.

I think maybe I should stop being so dependent anyway. It’s times like this when I realise why I get so drunk and party beyond all comprehension, and not give a fuck about how I act, what I look like, who I talk to and what I get up to.

Because I can and nobody seems to care at the end of the day anyway.

Well the last few posts of this year are going to be me trying to summarise the year. I’ll try and make some more innovative lists over the final week or so, but alas this one is going to be about music.

I remember in 2007 I did my top ten albums, I remember the top three being Infected Mushroom - Vicious Delicious, The Con - Tegan & Sara and Switches’ self-titled debut (I spent ages deciding whether Tee and Ess or Switches deserved to be “the best.”) But this year for me hasn’t been about albums, it’s more about individual songs. I was going to list loads of my favourite songs but that would be stupid, endless and pointless.

At the end of the day, every song I love I associate with a different time in my life, so I’m trying to remember my year through six hundred pages of Last.FM scrobbles and text messages I don’t delete. Usually the songs listed are lyric-appropriate, but they’re definitely associated with that time of my life. I don’t use names so you’ll probably get confused if you actually try to read the whole story but hell, I know what happened and that’s kinda all that matters. Also I find writing about myself in past tense makes me more honest about it all. The stars mean they’re super-duper special; I tried using hearts but Wordpress is shite and didn’t format them.

I may regret revealing all this to the world, but I feel like I am an open book a lot of the time. You can judge me from being too honest, but if you’re reading anything I publish to the internet and expecting not to learn anything about me, well, that’s just backwards.

And Merry Christmas, I started this post a few days ago but it’s currently 1am on Christmas Day and it’s nearing completion. Rage Against The Machine are Christmas number 1, fuck yes. I bought it, and I am proud.

January
A boy I was in love with left my life; the only memory I have is getting off the phone when he told me he was leaving, my ex was waiting for me, and I just fell into his arms and cried; I saw him for the last time and he told me he was engaged for selfish reasons and come back for me in the summer; went on holiday to France with my friends drank a lot of alcohol.

My Life Would Suck Without You - Kelly Clarkson*
“‘Cause we belong together now/You got a piece of me/And honestly/My life would suck without you/Maybe I was stupid for telling you goodbye/Maybe I was wrong for tryin’ to pick a fight/I know that I’ve got issues, but you’re pretty messed up too/Either way, I found out I’m nothing without you/Being with you is so dysfunctional/I really shouldn’t miss you but I can’t let you go.”
Everybody’s Going To War - Nerina Pallot*
“I’ve got a friend he’s a pure-bred killing machine/he said he’s waited his whole damn life for this/I knew him well when he was seventeen/Now he’s a man he’ll be dead by Christmas.”
Hot N Cold - Katy Perry*
“We fight, we break up/We kiss, we make up /You don’t really wanna stay, no/You don’t really wanna go/I should know that you’re not gonna change…”
You Belong With Me - Taylor Swift
“You’re on the phone with your girlfriend, she’s upset/she’s going off about something that you said/cause she doesn’t get your humor like I do/Dreaming of the day I’m hoping you’ll find/What you’ve been looking for has been here the whole time”
Hit Me With Your Best Shot - Pat Benetar
“You’re a real tough cookie/With a long history/Of breaking little hearts like the one in me”
Separate Ways (Worlds Apart) - Journey
“If he ever hurts you /True love won’t desert you/You know I still love you/Though we touched and went our separate ways”
I Know Ur Girlfriend Hates Me - Annie
“Oh stop pretending she’s misunderstood/I heard her saying it’s either me or her/Smell the coffee, boy, and open your eyes”

February, March
He stood me up towards the end of January and he came back without telling me, so I spent a long time feeling very bitter; began liking someone who was way out my league.

Cry For You - September*
“You’ll never see me again/So now who’s gonna cry for you/You’ll never see me again/No matter what you do”
Little Miss Obsessive - Ashlee Simpson
“In the morning, I got in a fight with myself/I got the bruises to prove it/Then I swallowed your words, and spit them right back out/And I guess we’re really over, so come over, I’m not over it/Late night you make me feel like I’m desperate, I’m not desperate”
Headfirst Slide Into Cooperstown on a Bad Bet - Fall Out Boy
“Does your husband know the way that the sunshine gleams from your wedding band? /Well, I will never end up like him/Behind my back, I already am. “
So Close, So Far - Hoobastank
“I miss hearing your laughter/And all the little things/Forgotten what it’s like to hold you/’Cause where I am right now/So unforgiving/It’s numbing everything/We’re so close, yet so far/It’s tearing me apart/What I would do, to be there with you/So promise/No matter how long it takes me to get back to you/You’ll wait for me”
Don’t Let Me Stop You - Kelly Clarkson*
“So I won’t let one more day pass without you explaining what we are/Don’t let me stop you from doin’ what you wanna do/You don’t wanna stick, trust me it’s cool/Take no chance, get over you/If you wanna leave, baby you can leave/Just don’t pretend that you’re into me if it ain’t true”

April
He talked to me online out of the blue being all flirtacious and I insulted his manhood and told him to f-off; went out that night and got very drunk and phoned him being all pleasant (and I’m 99% sure he proposed to me, in a roundabout way) and we both still liked each other but couldn’t get hold of him after that night; regretted that for weeks.
You’re Not Sorry - Taylor Swift
“You don’t have to call anymore/I won’t pick up the phone/This is the last straw/There’s nothing left to beg for/And you can say that you’re sorry/But I don’t believe you baby, /Like I did before/You’re not sorry. ”
What Hurts The Most (Topmodels Remix) - Cascada
“What hurts the most/Was being so close/And having so much to say /And watching you walk away/And never knowing/What could have been/And not seeing that loving you/Is what I was trying to do”
Out of Control - Hoobastank
“I’ve done everything as you say/I’ve followed your rules without question/Cause I don’t know/If I can trust you/I don’t understand what you want from me”
Out from Under - Britney Spears*
“I don’t wanna dream about/All the things that never were/I don’t wanna feel the pain/What good would it do me now?”/Let me feel the space between us grow deeper and much darker everyday”

May
Sorta getting to know this guy who was sweet, attractive but not my type; decided to phone the guy about it and he told me he still wanted me and thus my hope in us was renewed; although in retrospect I will always slightly regret not taking a chance with the other guy, he was a stud after all.
Follow Me - Uncle Kracker*
“I’m not worried bout the ring you wear/Cuz as long as no one knows than nobody can care/You’re feelin guilty and I’m well aware/But you don’t look ashamed and baby I’m not scared”
Again Again - Lady GaGa*
“You’ve gotta a lotta lotta nerve/Coming here when I’m still with him/And I can’t have you, it isn’t fair/And if I had one wish, yeah you’d be it“
Save You - Kelly Clarkson
“We can pretend nothing’s changed/Pretend it’s all the same/And there will be no pain tonight”
Rainy Monday - Shiny Toy Guns*
“I don’t mind/You’re someone who ain’t mine/But someone that I’ll get…/And you don’t know how hard I’ve tried/To convince myself that I can easily forget/But you left this feeling here inside me/One that never fails to find me…”
Long Shot - Kelly Clarkson*
“My heart beat, beats me senselessly/Why’s everything got to be so intense with me?/It’s a long shot and I say why not/If I say forget it I know that I’ll regret it/If I don’t take it there’s no chance/Cuz you’re the best I’ve got”
Believe Again - Niels Brinck
“I’m gonna learn to trust again/And I, I wanna believe in love/I wanna believe in something bigger/Than the two of us”

June, July
Couldn’t get hold if him; threw myself at another guy who got what he wanted and then left; spent a good few weeks feeling used and horrible; got propositioned by a guy in an open relationship which I nearly went into; ended up causing a huge conflict and I erased them from my life, vowing to have a quiet summer.
Falling Down - Space Cowboy*
“This is my life/And people try to shoot me down/put my music on/and most people don’t make a sound/I’m in my own world…”
Number One - Tinchy Stryder
“See I don’t understand how you’re number one/When it was just a fling before now, you’re the one”
In For The Kill - La Roux*
“We can fight our desires/but when we start making fires/We get ever so hot/whether we like it or not/They say we can love who we trust/but what is love without lust?/I’m going in for the kill/I’m doing it for a thrill/Oh I’m hoping you’ll understand/And not let go of my hand”
Battlefield - Jordin Sparks
” I never meant to start a war/You know I never wanna hurt you/Don’t even know what we’re fighting for/Why does ___ always feel like a battlefield?/Girl you better go get your armour”
Psycho Bitch - Lesley Roy
“Is it fair to say you played me for a fool/Is it fair to say you used me that’s the truth/You’ve been lying all the time and now I’m mad/You drove me to the vodka shots I’m knocking back”
Taking Back My Love - Enrique & Ciara*
“I’ve given you too much but I’m takin’ back my ____”
Kick Myself - The Weekend
“I’m heading straight into disaster/We all know what he is after…”

August
Grew close to someone I was out of contact with; grew strong feelings for him and made some very impulsive/drunken mistakes which worked somehow; became a more vulnerable person; realised the guy I liked before was back for the summer without telling me, went apeshit at him on the phone and told him I wanted him out of my life; spent a week doing intensive driving which made me very miserable.
Sweet Dreams - Beyonce*
“My guilty pleasure I ain’t going no where /Baby long as you’re here /I’ll be floating on air cause you’re my /You can be a sweet dream or a beautiful nightmare/Either way I, don’t wanna wake up from you “
Fire Burning - Sean Kingston*
“She’s fire burning, fire burning on the dance floor..”
New In Town - Little Boots*
“So don’t rely on people you meet/Cause no-one is safe in these streets/I’m gonna take you out tonight/I’m gonna make you feel alright/I don’t have a lot of money but we’ll be fine/No, I don’t have a penny but I’ll show you a good time”
Feel It In My Bones (feat. Tegan and Sara) - Tiesto*
“Blow by blow, I didn’t see it coming/Blow by blow, sucker punch/What rushes into my heart and my skull/I feel you in my bones/and now skull feels pressure/You are here to stay/I take my heart out of my chest/I just don’t need it anymore/Take my head out of the game/I just don’t need it anymore”
Speak Up - Kristinia DeBarge
“Some days I feel it then I feel it’s over/Some days were hotter then some days were colder/When you open up, our ____ is alive/But now you’re quiet and I’m dying inside”
No Surprise - Daughtry
“It’s no surprise I won’t be here tomorrow/I can’t believe that I stayed till today/Yeah you and I will be a tough act to follow/But I know in time we’ll find this was no surprise”

September
Settled back into college; got a call from the guy who asked to meet up with him, decided to and realised it felt wrong and guilty about it, realising I really had strong feelings for someone else; then things with the latter fell apart and I was pretty shattered.

Please Don’t Leave Me - P!nk*
“I don’t know if I can yell any louder/How many time have I kicked you outta here?/Or said something insulting?/I can be so mean when I wanna be/I am capable of really anything/I can cut you into pieces/But my heart is broken”
Eh Eh (Nothing Else I Can Say) - Lady GaGa
“There’s nothing else I can say/I wish you never looked at me that way…”
We Are Beautiful, We Are Doomed - Los Campesinos!
“Absence makes the heart grow fonder/Fondness makes the absence longer/Length loses my interest, I’m a realist, I’m insatiable/Swapped counting days until I fly, with hours before your reply”
I Hate This Part - Pussycat Dolls
“The world slows down/But my heart beats fast right now/I know this is the part/Where the end starts…”
Umbrella - Rihanna
“When the sun shines, we’ll shine together/Told you I’ll be here forever/Said I’ll always be your friend/Took an oath, I’m a stick it out ’till the end”

October, November
Was failing all my subjects; hit a new low in terms of confidence and life; had serious confusion about my sexuality; confided in a friend who I later fell for, we nearly hooked up until he realised “he really cared about me”; I was a vulnerable and miserable crying wreck; fell out with a close friend after he told classmates and my teachers private things, and haven’t said anything to him since; two of the worst months of life.

The Sea is A Good Place To Think About The Future - Los Campesinos!*
“You talk about your politics and wonder if you could be one of them/But you could never kiss a Tory boy without wanting to cut off your tongue again”
Hell - Tegan and Sara
“I know you feel it, too/These words get overused/When we get up and over it and over them/Up and over it and over them”
On Directing - Tegan and Sara
“Go steady with me/I know it turns you off when I/I get talking like a teen”
Bottom of The Ocean - Miley Cyrus
“I draw a map,connect the dots/with all the memories that I got/what I’m missing/I’ll keep reliving…”
Chemistry of A Car Crash - Shiny To Guns*
“You’re waking up/a part of me I’ve never known/Just take away the words I say/cause I know
that you don’t feel the same/Just go and say what’s in your head/and I won’t try to stop you”

December
Realised I wasn’t failing college; made a lot of new friends; had my first lesbian encounter…or five; he called me again, apologised for how he treated me and I believed him; realised he had fed me a bunch of lies and now planning never to speak to him again; realised the guy I currently like is bordering on going out with “the wrong girl”; minus that a happy month.

Cry Me Out - Pixie Lott*
“What’s in the heart is not in your head anyway../Mate  you’re too late and your weren’t worth the wait now, were you?/It’s out of my hands/Since you blew your last chance when you played me/You’ll have to cry me out/ the tears that’ll fall/Mean nothing at all/It’s time to get over yourself/When I found out/How you messed me about/I was broken (heartbroken)/Back then I believed you/Now, I don’t need you no more/The pic on your phone/Proves you weren’t alone/She was with you…/”

Yay! If writing this has taught me one thing, it’s that one boy who I’ve seen/spoken to for approximately five out of eight thousand seven-hundred and sixty hours can have such an impact on my year.

You know the track. I’ll be surprised if that doesn’t surpass my play count for “Falling Down” by Space Cowboy this time next year.

Still slacking. But I’ve now got three A’s in a row for Economics mock exams. I probably should stop insulting my Politics teacher, I feel guilty calling him both a bastard and a fascist to his face. I forget words offend people.

As for lifeeeeee, I’ve been thrown off course by somebody “unexpected” - playing my cards “intentionally careless” if that makes sense. I’m not expecting much, but I do really hope it works out. I’m not risking my emotions as I usually do, if this year has taught me anything it’s I should not regret the choices I make but keep my guard up too. I give far too many second chances to people who wrong me (I’m like a doormat, seriously) and I always say “it’s the final straw” but I believe that people change for the better and when someone makes an effort to earn my trust/respect again it’s impossible to say no. I’ll happily hold grudges for those who don’t try and repair/amend when they wrong me; deny it and I’ll punch you in the face.

So I’ve explained before, since the summer I’ve been so miserable, dull and out of myself I’m surprised so many people stuck by me for so long. I’ve found a solid form of happiness in my life but I’m also much more dramatic. I’ve been told people live vicariously through me, and my emotions are always so powerful that it affects everyone around me. So I literally dance in the middle of the street when I’m happy, beam with positive energy. Oh and act gangsta. But when I get angry, everyone around me feels it. When it comes down to it, I just want to be a positive energy on everybody, and that’s what I will be. I have changed, but it’s a good change.

I seem to be the centre of attention for some reason. I’m also dating three people right now, if you believe the rumours, it’s quite flattering. I tried using the “my life is in such a rut” excuse but I got laughed at.

Finally, I seem to have a new university action plan every blog post, so no point stopping here. As long as I get AAB/ABB this year, I go to whichever university will take me. But if I get rejected from LSE and end up with AAA, I take a year out to work/travel the world and reapply to LSE, SOAS and King’s.

I’m finding it quite difficult that I’m being analysed at the moment. Someone cares enough to listen to me. That does sound like a really pathetic statement but, these people are rare in my life. There are the ones you can connect with on a very basic level, superficial if you will, but not close enough to confide in. There are the ones who say they’ll be there but merely use it as a figure of speech. And there the ones who will just take time out for you to be there for you every single day. There are only two people in my life who are doing that for me at the moment, but that’s more than enough.

The analysing though, is hard for me. I’m impulsive with long-term goals, if that makes any sense. Anyway, it really is a turning point for me having someone to talk to about all my insecurities just honestly and someone who gives something back. I’ve found it uncomfortable when anyone criticises me and my personality; especially things I can’t change or have very good reasons for doing. I don’t think I’m a very easy person to read and half the time I don’t know what’s going on up there. But a few times, people hit the nail on the head…and I just can’t control my emotions and pretty much cry at that point.

What is the point of this? Well, I’m not going to change my goals at the moment. Which are: work myself to the point of self-destruction and fuck the world. The analysis of me was that I’m unhappy and I’m chasing after the wrong things. And they are probably right. But I can explain my reasons for doing this to anyone who will listen. I don’t think I’m unhappy, I definitely think I’m improving anyway. My life is a struggle, it always has been and it always will be. When asked why I put myself through these struggles…I really couldn’t answer that. As therapeutic as it is talking to someone about all this…why bother? Maybe I struggle to see people looking out for me. Maybe they do know better. And maybe I will reach a stress-related breakdown. Fuck knows I’ve been close. I’ve written it all before in forms of blogs and poetry…I have to prove myself. I have to work hard. I regret a lot of things in my life, far more than most people…and I really don’t want this to be one of them.

But I will take a bit of a step back. I’m building my confidence slowly. It’s a long process but maybe I can grow into someone I really love. And maybe, someone will be proud of me.

“Might write something I might want to say to you someday,
Might do something I’d be proud of someday.
Mark my words, I might be something someday.”