“You’re waking up a part of me I’ve never known.”

I am emotionally unstable. It’s nothing I can’t handle. One of my friends is inspiring me to be a little bit more artistic. He asked me to channel my thoughts, anxieties and problems into poetry. So I’m now doing a 52 week poem journal in my unused softcover Moleskine. I wrote a lot of poetry in my early teenage years, nearly every day actually. I’m a lot less prolific now, but I always find my best literary work is when I try and make it as abstract from my emotions as possible. I find it immensely difficult to do anything autobiographical. Maybe it’s got a little better with the blogging, but even when I try and write about anything I’m going through, it’s always easier if I take a slightly sarcastic tone with it. He also played piano while a sang a little bit. Since then I’ve been working a little bit on my voice, it doesn’t quite have the range that I used to, so it’s proving a struggle.

I am also getting very stressed about my studies, to the point where I just broke down on Friday afternoon into a corner and cried, with a few friends who invested their time to help me. I am scared of failure, I always have been, and I crumble and I crack. I’m trying my best to isolate myself for a little while, which really isn’t the way to go I know, but the pressure is becoming so great that there are so many things I’m willing to sacrifice. Just how far would you go to get to the place you dream of being? I’m not really thinking realistically at the moment, I’m driving myself to the point of exhaustion and I literally working as if my exams were next week (when they’re two months away). I’ve just got into the mind of “If I don’t know it all now, I never will.”

This blog is effectively just typing up everything I wrote in yesterday’s poem. “The possibilities are endless/Bullshit/I’m defined by my intelligence.” All I know is the next two months are going to be hell. I am going to become a selfish, bitter person; I’ll lose everything I loved about myself and I’m fully prepared to end up alone.

But at least I can say I motherfucking tried.

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