I’m on Day 4 of my 5 day weekend. Its been dramatic, but life always is.

I visited University of Birmingham on Wednesday. As it stands, Birmingham or Sheffield will be insurance and my firm will be York or LSE, if I get that lucky. The city of Birmingham doesn’t have that great a reputation, but I know the centre of it well and it’s probably my favourite shopping destination in England. So that really wasn’t a problem. But living there is a different kettle of fish, but then again, you’re talking to someone who wants to live in London.

First impressions of the university weren’t great. One thing I learned is I’m really not a fan of “red-brick” architecture. I suppose seeing the Bristol University buildings from a young age and visiting Oxford, Exeter, LSE and UCL prior to Birmingham, aesthetically it couldn’t win. It didn’t help that it was a dull rainy day either. The accommodation they showed was lovely, but cynically, they were going to show the best one. It was in their student village The Vale, where they have a social space The Hub, which again, was modern and lovely. Although I’m sure the price wasn’t.

And from the edge of campus, you can see the village of Selly Oak where most of the second/third years live, which again looked really nice. It’s always nice to know you’re not going to be forced to live in the rough side of town with a long commute.

Anyway, after being a bit uneasy about it all, I visited the Politics department which was just stunning. It’s in Muirhead Tower, which was recently refurbished and has…A STARBUCKS ON THE GROUND FLOOR. Well, walking out of a lecture and straight into the arms of a White Chocolate Mocha would do it for me. The course was bothering me a bit, because of the restriction of modules in the first year. Turns out, if you don’t like the course choices in your first year just do the first year of a different course, and then change next year. It’s a bit of a silly system, but I would probably switch to International Politics with Economics so I could do some more macroeconomics in the first year. It also seemed a much more personal environment - as in the lecturers/teachers were there to actually help you, and there’s always support when you need it. I feel the higher up the tables you go, the less the teachers care about you, and more about their research. My Dad recalled his lecturing days and said “it’s impossible to balance the two equally. The majority of researchers aren’t good teachers and vice versa.” And my main fear about LSE is just that; it would be too impersonal. But then again, LSE is in an entirely different league to all the other universities I’ve applied to.

The people I met were lovely too, although we were all “considering it as our insurance choice” setting our sights on either Oxbridge, Durham or LSE. And I’m 99% sure I was the only state-school person there.

So learning points from the day were:

1. I really don’t like “red-brick” architecture.
2. The majority of my time is going to be spent between my accommodation and my department. Everything else is of little or no concern.
3. The importance of a coffee shop on hand.
4. The balance of teaching quality vs. prestige is far more important than I first envisioned.

On the whole, Birmingham wasn’t perfect but it was a lot better than I’d imagined to be. The course is far better than Sheffield’s and I’m sure their department wouldn’t be so swish, and that looks enough to swing it for me. Still, I’m going up there in February so I guess I can’t say anything til then. But I would be pretty happy there if it came down to it. Which means…getting BBC this year to meet the ABB offer. Hmm. Somehow I think that’s within my reach.

I’m finding it quite difficult that I’m being analysed at the moment. Someone cares enough to listen to me. That does sound like a really pathetic statement but, these people are rare in my life. There are the ones you can connect with on a very basic level, superficial if you will, but not close enough to confide in. There are the ones who say they’ll be there but merely use it as a figure of speech. And there the ones who will just take time out for you to be there for you every single day. There are only two people in my life who are doing that for me at the moment, but that’s more than enough.

The analysing though, is hard for me. I’m impulsive with long-term goals, if that makes any sense. Anyway, it really is a turning point for me having someone to talk to about all my insecurities just honestly and someone who gives something back. I’ve found it uncomfortable when anyone criticises me and my personality; especially things I can’t change or have very good reasons for doing. I don’t think I’m a very easy person to read and half the time I don’t know what’s going on up there. But a few times, people hit the nail on the head…and I just can’t control my emotions and pretty much cry at that point.

What is the point of this? Well, I’m not going to change my goals at the moment. Which are: work myself to the point of self-destruction and fuck the world. The analysis of me was that I’m unhappy and I’m chasing after the wrong things. And they are probably right. But I can explain my reasons for doing this to anyone who will listen. I don’t think I’m unhappy, I definitely think I’m improving anyway. My life is a struggle, it always has been and it always will be. When asked why I put myself through these struggles…I really couldn’t answer that. As therapeutic as it is talking to someone about all this…why bother? Maybe I struggle to see people looking out for me. Maybe they do know better. And maybe I will reach a stress-related breakdown. Fuck knows I’ve been close. I’ve written it all before in forms of blogs and poetry…I have to prove myself. I have to work hard. I regret a lot of things in my life, far more than most people…and I really don’t want this to be one of them.

But I will take a bit of a step back. I’m building my confidence slowly. It’s a long process but maybe I can grow into someone I really love. And maybe, someone will be proud of me.

“Might write something I might want to say to you someday,
Might do something I’d be proud of someday.
Mark my words, I might be something someday.”

“You’re waking up a part of me I’ve never known.”

I am emotionally unstable. It’s nothing I can’t handle. One of my friends is inspiring me to be a little bit more artistic. He asked me to channel my thoughts, anxieties and problems into poetry. So I’m now doing a 52 week poem journal in my unused softcover Moleskine. I wrote a lot of poetry in my early teenage years, nearly every day actually. I’m a lot less prolific now, but I always find my best literary work is when I try and make it as abstract from my emotions as possible. I find it immensely difficult to do anything autobiographical. Maybe it’s got a little better with the blogging, but even when I try and write about anything I’m going through, it’s always easier if I take a slightly sarcastic tone with it. He also played piano while a sang a little bit. Since then I’ve been working a little bit on my voice, it doesn’t quite have the range that I used to, so it’s proving a struggle.

I am also getting very stressed about my studies, to the point where I just broke down on Friday afternoon into a corner and cried, with a few friends who invested their time to help me. I am scared of failure, I always have been, and I crumble and I crack. I’m trying my best to isolate myself for a little while, which really isn’t the way to go I know, but the pressure is becoming so great that there are so many things I’m willing to sacrifice. Just how far would you go to get to the place you dream of being? I’m not really thinking realistically at the moment, I’m driving myself to the point of exhaustion and I literally working as if my exams were next week (when they’re two months away). I’ve just got into the mind of “If I don’t know it all now, I never will.”

This blog is effectively just typing up everything I wrote in yesterday’s poem. “The possibilities are endless/Bullshit/I’m defined by my intelligence.” All I know is the next two months are going to be hell. I am going to become a selfish, bitter person; I’ll lose everything I loved about myself and I’m fully prepared to end up alone.

But at least I can say I motherfucking tried.

Two songs are getting stuck in my head like no other at the minute - ‘Hell’ by Tegan and Sara and ‘Lisztomania’ by Phoenix. The remix of the latter by Alex Metric is absolutely banging. It’s like MSTRKRFT with an injection of indie and a few extra layers of obscurity. Also, MSTRKRFT is apparently ‘dance-punk’ - what’s up with that? Chk Chk Chk are dance-punk, MSTRKRFT are electro-house. Tegan and Sara’s new album (Sainthood) is incredible, it’s been on repeat for the last few days and it’s got lovely vocal hooks, especially in Hell, the whole “I know you feel it too” chorus is infectiously winner (yes that’s a new Joannaism!). The whole album is quite catchy but not in an obvious way, occasionally I think I’m probably thinking it is just because I love their style so much. I’ve only just discovered MSTRKRFT’s ‘The Looks’ and I just wished I had listened to it instead of spending months addicted to ‘Does it Offend You Yeah?’ thinking that was the closest I could get to radio-friendly electro-house. For the record, the only “acceptable” DIOYY? songs are ‘Battle Royale’ and ‘Weird Science’, everything else was just reworked rejections of ‘nu wave’ marketed to obnoxious scenekids. And I bought Phoenix’s latest (Amadeus Wolfgang) on the day they were playing in Bristol. Stunning. Nothing much to say apart from it’s epic.

I was planning to write this post on Friday because I was in an extreme ‘angry-mode.’ I’m no longer angry, but I’ll attempt to explain things.

I now have four university offers. York, Sheffield, Exeter, Birmingham. This is ridiculous. It’s been less than a month since I submitted my application. But I am annoyed, for Exeter was my second favourite (after LSE, who I’ve yet to hear back from) and they gave me an AAA conditional offer. I specifically didn’t apply for universities (Oxbridge, Durham, SOAS etc.) which asked for AAA, on the basis that I probably won’t meet that and that LSE is the best place in the UK (if not, the world) for International Relations, and their standard offer is AAB. The problem is, I liked Exeter a lot when I visited it, both the campus and the city. I could really see myself living their for three years, and “home” is only a short train journey away. Now, it’s out of my reach. York was another possible first choice (AAB), but it’s risky as it’s some five hour drive/3.5 hour very expensive train journey. Not to mention the course never really striked me as being as good as the others (it was a last minute substitution instead of Manchester) and the concept of living in a ‘tiny town’ never really occured to me. Of course, if I get an AAB offer from LSE, 99.9% chance I’ll accept it as the course is the best by a long shot. But there isn’t a complacent bone in my body, I was always expecting to get rejected from LSE (although, I was also expecting rejections from York/Exeter too) and I honestly don’t think I stand much of chance. University with the most applicants per place in the UK (14:1). Little Joanna isn’t that special.

Also, David Nutt got fired. I don’t usually discuss things political on the blog but it’s bloody ridiculously. Not only do they reject drug expert’s advice on classification (such as increasing cannabis back up to B, not downgrading ecstasy etc.) they now fire people if they don’t think the same way as them. Cannabis is less harmful that alcohol and tobacco, that’s just science. The government make me sick.

My next blog post I’m going to post a remix mixtape or whatever you want to call it. I’m trying to keep it along the lines of ‘indie floorfillers’ and ‘obscurely mashed pop.’ It’ll be uncomfortable to listen to. Expect robotic noise house. I’m excited.

It’s time we all started thinking outside the box bitches.