I dug up my old computer the other day, the really shitty PC I built myself aged thirteen. How did I live with 512MB memory for all those years sheesh. Anyway, there were two harddrive in it, one I used when in 2005/2006 and the second one 2007/2008. The former was saved, and I managed to salvage what was left from it, which was some ‘alternative/indie’ music I used to listen to back then (Straylight Run, Pretty Girls Make Graves, Scarling etc.) and the more recent drive is beyond saving as it was the thing that caused the computer to go kaput.

Anyway, there were a lot of things on the salvaged harddrive that I’d rather forget. I was a messed up child to say the least really, and it’s brought out a lot of negative emotions, remembering how little confidence I had then and how much of a horrible person I was. Nice.

I bought a Nikon D50 was a standard lens. I can’t use it yet, it genuinely scares me because I’m so hopeless at it. This photography thing is just silly. It came with an 18-55mm lens, which I had no idea what that meant until I googled for a while, now realising that’s some 3.6x zoom. Seriously, my compact was 7x. I tried using it at the Nick Clegg meeting today, where my friends an I perched on the bar right at the very back (classy). And yes, utter fail (although it did mean little Joanna had a completely unobscured view). So I’m gonna have to spend some £100 to get some 18-200mm lens…fan-fucking-tastic.  It’s a nice little catch-22: I’m not going to want to use the camera without a better lens, but to get a better lens I’m going to have to invest yet more money into it.

Although on The Nick Clegg Meets Bristol at Colston Hall, Clegg proves himself a great speaker: fluent, intelligent, charasmatic…but enjoys dodging questions where he could. A few times he seemed to hit nails on the head, particularly ones about tax loopholes and nuclear fission/fusion or whatever (and did honestly admit that he didn’t know much of the science but tried to answer it politically).

But after so initial apprehensions I decided to ask a really predictable yet sensible question. Didn’t think it through entirely, I wasn’t expecting to get chosen for there were lots of important people with longer arms; but I’m sure it helped that I was young, in a group of pretty females and my position at the centre of the bar made me directly in his eyeline.

I tried wording it in a way that, if he was to deliberately avoid my question it would’ve been pretty obvious. “If the next election resulted in a hung parliament, under what conditions would you form a coalition with either of the two major parties.” The man wouldn’t even let me keep a straight face, as soon as I mentioned ‘hung parliament’ he said something which I forget, and I just started laughing. Hooray. Anyway, basically he rambled on like “I can’t predict the outcome of the next election…I get flattered when people think I can predict the future” when I just wanted to shout…HYPOTHETICALLY. He probably didn’t know this, but I knew exactly why he refused to answer it.  He hinted at a possible coalition with the Tories a few months back, and Vince Cable said the Lib Dems would never back the Tories and would only consider Labour. Since then, he’s kept tight lipped about “The C-Word” no doubt to avoid ‘internal divisions’ which have damaged both major parties in the past.

Anyway, it was totally worth it to have Nick Clegg talk directly act me for five or so minutes. I struggled to keep a straight face, like I had kind of a power-crush. Oh, and it helps that he’s attractive.

As Jenny said: “You got face time with Nick Clegg, I got Douglas Alexander. I think we know who wins.”

I unfortunately did not get to complete my lifegoal of getting photograph with two Lib Dem leaders (had to shout at a security guard to get a photo with Charles Kennedy, whilst hungover, great fun). It was a good evening and I feel like a little school girl: “OMG he talked to me!”

This is why I could never do political journalism. I get power-crushes and act like a tween.

My goals, personal thoughts, things I’d like to achieve. Just a general map of things that are on my mind:

• I am failing all my subjects at the moment. Fact. Aiming to stop. Spending a lot of time on maths, weirdly enjoyable. Except when crawled on my bed in tears because I cannot answer questions.  Finding American Politics  dull as sin and I’ve forgotten to write essays. No longer failing Economics (Mock Paper 1: U; Mock Paper 2: A), enjoying it slowly. Oh and I turn up for English, that’s all they can ask for.
• Reading “A Streetcar Named Desire” by Tennessee Williams in English. In love with it. About to start the final act and I’m not ruining it for myself. Scared by how alike I am to Blanche DuBois. Well not when she’s acting like a “moth” but the rest of the time. Read it, it’s absolutely stunning. Blanche has some amazing lines which summarise my character.
• I want an anti tragus piercing. Even though it hurts hurts hurts. I may end up impulsively just get it done on a bad day. Also considering a snug instead of an anti tragus, but I don’t quite like it as much.
• I have the coughies and the sneezies and it’s not funsies.
• I am ridiculously unhappy at the moment. I have no confidence, no long-term ambitions, no desire to socialise. I am becoming what I’ve always feared. Fading into the background. Spilling tears of stress. Clutching myself tightly in the hope of someone saving me. Nothing makes me happy anymore but somehow I can force a smile at any opportunity.
• I want to start writing poetry again but I haven’t written poetry in some five years. And I am so uninspired. But I would give a used to my still-shrinkwrapped soft cover Moleskine (Yes I’m one of those freaks who spend ridiculous amounts of money on Moleskines, GUI)
• I want to learn to speak like David Sewell. I still have the goal of going to finishing school. I did wager a deal with my dad that I’d apply to Cambridge University if he sent me to finishing school, which I forgot about until now. Dayum.
• I have no qualms about lying to someone over internet communication. Which is ironic, because this is also a form of IC. Now I’ve learnt “block user” is my new best friend.
• When I stop being ill I plan to start singing again, despite some 300+ cancer sticks rendering my throat useless forever.  There’s some vibrato left in my voice.
• “We are beautiful, we are doomed.”

Alright, I may be going a little crazy, but I’ve become obsessed with Chart Porn. Data visualisations are starting to take over my life, I spend hours at a time scrolling through the archives with wide eyes and that prime time TV ‘jaw drop.’ I’m ashamed to say, my heart rate is actually increase at the thought of Chart Porn. This is terrible, I need help.

“I am Joanna and I have a sexual attraction to Chart Porn.”

Alright, thats a bit of exagguration, I have been lusting after other data visualisation blogs too. I’m very tempted to paste over my walls with these delights. Just scroll through a few pages and you’ll know what I’m talking about. I think it touches two different parts of my soul: my love of political statistics and my love of pretty graphics.

Yet this one was very depressing:

It literally sends shivers down my body thinking about domestic violence and abusive relationships in general. But it’s statistics like this which remind me why I want to study international politics. I’d love to know the breakdowns of these statistics - age, religion, wealth etc. I can’t think of a single person I know who would think it acceptable for their husband to hit them, but then again, I live in a Western bubble. I’ve always found it easy to relate to the majority of people’s beliefs, with the thoughts that as humans, we are more similar than we are different, and that maybe if I was brought up the way you were, I probably would understand your way of thinking more. But, I struggle to see how that could ever be right. I mean, the feminist media had a frenzy with the Chris Brown/Rihanna fiasco a few months back. Would these women, in that situation, stick by their husbands? And there goes another shiver…

Considering I’ve used the word ‘porn’ in this post a fair bit, apologies to anybody who stumbles across this post expecting porn. If I get some particularly legendary finders through legendary search terms, I’ll be sure to compile them into a blog post.